Is it a lie if you think you’re okay, but everyone else sees a shitshow?

The room was in Berkeley. It looked simple and clean in the video. I’d never even heard of an SRO before, but that didn’t matter. It was a start. After the divorce, things were divided up, and this was something I could pull off. For Berkeley, it was a good deal — probably the cheapest place in the city.

The building sat above a deli that sold more booze than food. Across the street was BART. From there, I could get into San Francisco easily, and I did. A lot. South of Market was usually where I got off.

South of Market had its own gravity. It wasn’t the Tenderloin, but it lived close enough to it to feel the spillover. Like the quieter twin — less famous, just as wired. You could disappear there without trying very hard.

At first, I thought this new chapter would be about creativity. About making money. About starting over. I bought a laptop and honestly believed that was where things were headed.

A little time later, I found myself pulled into something else.

I got a thrill out of doing illegal shit and being part of that world. Looking back, I didn’t just get a thrill — I got hooked on the movement, the access, the way the city worked underneath the version most people saw. I thought I was living a double life. Turns out, I was just living one really fast.

My using career turned into a science. I knew which BART train to take, which car to sit in, which station exit put me closest to where I needed to be. I knew when the dope man would show and when the cops wouldn’t care.

Most days, I’d score and be back on BART to the East Bay before anything had time to catch up with me. I took pride in never getting caught — until one day, I did.

And nothing happened.

I scored right in front of a cop. Then I did it again. This time, they laughed. That’s when I learned something important: the system didn’t care about junkies. Dealers got arrested and were back on the street the same day. Sometimes a few hours later.

Later on, a therapist told me something that stuck. He said I wasn’t just addicted to the drugs. I was attracted to the underbelly — the hidden systems, the routes, the rules no one explains out loud. Scoring wasn’t just about getting high. It was about knowing how to move.

I started scoring crystal on 8th Street early on, right as my addiction was being resurrected. I thought I was staying ahead of it. I wasn’t.

This blog isn’t the full story.
It’s just a glimpse into the world the book moves through.

More later.

On the burner — some projects closer than others. It’s a never-ending process, the constant evolution of my craft.

The shop has been touch and go. Eventually it’ll be up and stay up. It took a minute to figure out where that kind of merch actually fits into the bigger picture, and how I want to sell it without it feeling forced or hollow. For now, I’ve been doing short sticker-bomb runs with the Strum Life logo — getting the name out on the streets the old-school way.

Soon, I’ll be more aggressive — both on the ground and online — about pushing the brand forward.

At the same time, I’ve been deep in recording future releases and writing a lot. A lot. About the stretch of time when life went off the rails with drugs and alcohol, and how it slowly found its way to where it is now. That space in between mattered more than I realized.

I’ve also been paying attention — watching creators who didn’t just fix their lives, but learned how to translate their scars into something real, something they could stand behind and build from.

So sit tight.
Keep checking back.

It’s going to get good.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

— Hebrews 12:11 (NIV)

I have to relearn a lot of things.

I’ve taken my anger out on the wrong people and mistaken foolish behavior as how the world works.

I’ve seen generosity used as manipulation.

I’ve seen good deeds with strings attached.

I have to re-learn how to be an adult and how I think of others.

I didn’t know compassion could replace anger.

I’m having a hard time processing that you can feel sadness for those who harm you — not because you’re weak, but because God is trying to teach them something through your endurance. That’s heavy.

I’m getting used to the fact that you don’t have to prove yourself to people who believe lies about you.

You don’t have to explain your heart to someone who’s already made up their mind.

When your life is full of deception and the Lord comes in to turn darkness into His righteousness — it hurts.

A part of you is dying.

Not the part that people admired — but the part that kept you numb.

That brought you comfort and familiarity.

But that part’s got to go if God is going to take over.

And He will take over — if you let Him.

If your mind isn’t calm when thinking about something, it’s hard for God to work with you.

When you have to over-explain or over-extend yourself to be accepted, something is seriously wrong.

You’re not being your authentic self.

When God works through you, very few words are needed.

Some People Say They’re Musicians. I Had to Bleed for It.

Some people say they’re musicians.

They picked up a guitar last summer. Took a few lessons. Learned a few chords. Posted a video of themselves strumming in good lighting. Called it passion.

Cool.

But for me? Music wasn’t a cute phase. It wasn’t a background prop for my social feed. It wasn’t something I did after my real job.

Music was the only thing that kept me breathing.

When everything else felt like hell, I had six strings and a busted amp that gave me more therapy than any human ever did.

I wasn’t told I had talent. I wasn’t cheered on. I was told to be quiet. Told I wasn’t good. Told to do something else. Told my dreams were selfish. Told to grow up.

But I kept playing. In garages, alleyways, halfway houses, churches, street corners.

I kept playing when I couldn’t afford new strings. I kept playing when nobody listened. I kept playing when my own blood didn’t believe in me.

So yeah—when someone says they’re a musician, and I see no scars, no sweat, no obsession, no heartbreak in the music… it hits me.

Not because I think I’m better. But because I had to bleed for this. I had to survive for this. I am this.

This isn’t ego. This is identity.

Some people say they’re musicians.

I had to be one. Or I wouldn't have made it out alive.

People say, "They put a roof over your head." Or, "You never went without."

And for a long time, that made me feel guilty. Like I didn’t have a right to be hurting. Like the presence of material things canceled out the absence of emotional safety.

But now I know the truth: Love isn’t just gifts.

It’s not birthday parties. Or food on the table. Or a ride to school. Those things matter—of course they do. But they don’t replace being seen. Or heard. Or safe.

A child can have all the "things" and still grow up feeling broken inside. Because it wasn’t just about what they gave you. It was about how they treated you while doing it.

Were you mocked when you opened your mouth? Were you compared to others? Were you allowed to feel? Were you safe to mess up? Were you loved even when you weren't impressive?

Or did you learn to smile through shame? To stay silent to keep the peace? To accept just enough affection to survive, while pretending it was love?

This is what many of us carry. We feel guilty because we were "provided for," even though we were never really protected.

And that guilt? It keeps us quiet. It keeps us small.

But here's the truth that finally set me free: You can be thankful for what you were given and still grieve what you never got.

You can honor the roof and still mourn the rain that came through the cracks. You can hold both at the same time: Gratitude for the effort. And honesty about the damage.

Because love—real love—doesn’t come with strings attached. It doesn’t demand silence. It doesn’t shame you for needing more.

It sits with you. Listens to you. And makes you feel safe, even when you're messy.

If no one ever told you that before, let this be the first time: You were always worthy of more than just being provided for.

You were worthy of being protected. Of being heard. Of being loved without conditions.

And you still are.

Opening: Back in 1995, I picked up two John Coltrane albums that would end up changing my entire approach to music: Giant Steps and A Love Supreme: Live. I didn’t fully realize it at the time, but these albums would awaken something deeper than musical inspiration. They introduced me to the idea that music wasn’t just sound. It could be spirit.

The Shift: I had always been drawn to intense, heavy music. But the moment A Love Supreme started, I felt something entirely different. Coltrane’s tone wasn’t just articulate—it was sacred. Patient. It felt like he was saying a prayer with every breath he blew into that sax. It didn’t hit me in the head or the ears first. It hit me straight in the soul.

And that was just Part I.

The Breakthrough: By the time Part II kicked in, I was floored. McCoy Tyner, Elvin Jones, and Jimmy Garrison created this space that felt completely outside of time. I remember literally crying the first time I heard it. And not just once. That piece has brought tears many times since.

What they played wasn’t just jazz. It was testimony. It was worship. It was divine.

Coltrane’s Journey: Coltrane wasn’t just composing music. He was healing. According to his wife, Alice, he spent as much time meditating and writing spiritual reflections as he did composing. After years of addiction and struggle, Coltrane had found something bigger than himself. And through that discovery, he created a body of work that still ripples through people’s lives today.

He didn’t just recover. He transcended. And he brought others along for the ride.

What It Taught Me: Coltrane taught me that music could carry spirit. That you could worship with a melody. That you could praise without words. That recovery, surrender, and divine connection could all be captured in tone, in rhythm, in silence between notes.

A Love Supreme wasn’t just a jazz record. It was an altar.

Closing: You don’t need to be religious to understand what Coltrane did. You just need to listen with your soul open. Because when someone plays with that kind of depth, it calls something out of you. 

In honor of a brave friend — identity kept anonymous by request

🚺 A Brave Friend, Anonymously Shared

A friend of mine — someone I care about deeply — is currently fighting the hardest battle of her life. Out of respect, I’m keeping her identity anonymous. But I need you to know this: she is brave, strong, and has chosen to share parts of her story publicly in hopes of helping others.

A little over a year ago, she was simply living — enjoying life from what I could see. Then came the sudden shift: doctors, chemo, surgery. She’s now enduring large doses of chemotherapy and recovering from major surgery to remove tumors entangled with vital organs.

And the most terrifying part? There was no test to catch this early.

⚠️ The “Silent Killer”: Invisible, Until It’s Too Late

There is currently no routine screening for ovarian cancer in women without high genetic risk. No pap test. No simple bloodwork. That means the disease is often caught after it’s already spread — when treatment becomes harder, and survival odds drop.The early signs — feeling full after small meals, pain during or after sex, and general pelvic discomfort — are often misdiagnosed as digestive issues or ignored by doctors. ALK Positive

📉 Survival Stats — What the Numbers Show

Localized (early-stage): ~ 92% 5-year survival

Distant spread: ~ 32%

Yet only around 20% of ovarian cancers are caught early — most are found when it’s already dangerous. You and Ovarian Cancer+10Verywell Health+10SELF+10

🧩 Why This Deserves Urgent Change

No early detection = fewer survival opportunities

Symptoms are vague and misdiagnosed — women need to be heard and tested promptly

Education & funding gaps let these issues persist

🎓 Educational & Support Resources

National Ovarian Cancer Coalition (NOCC)
Offers guides, symptom tools, peer support and animated videos
Cancer.orgSELF+5ovarian.org+5ovarian.org+5

Foundation for Women’s Cancer
Downloadable fact sheets, patient guides, CA‑125 info
ACOG+15foundationforwomenscancer.org+15rogelcancercenter.org+15

Project Hope for Ovarian Cancer
Resources on diagnosis, testing, recommended questions for doctors
 

ACOG eModule
Free online course for clinicians on early diagnosis and prevention
Wikipedia+8ACOG+8SELF+8

YouAndOvarianCancer.com
Interactive expert videos and slideshows for patients and caregivers
You and Ovarian Cancer

🏛️ Advocacy: How You Can Make A Difference

Find your U.S. Representative — enter your ZIP at:

Find Your Representative (House.gov) AACR+3U.S. House of Representatives+3League of Conservation Voters+3

Congressional support guides:

Learn how to call and speak with staff to push for funding & awareness bills
League of Conservation Voters

Letter templates:

Advocacy letter examples (e.g., from ASBMB) help you write persuasive messages to policymakers
asbmb.org

Key pieces of legislation to ask about:

Ovarian Cancer Awareness Act

Multi-Cancer Early Detection Act

Diane Powis Ovarian Cancer Testing Access Act

💌 What You Can Do Today

Share this post — awareness is powerful

Contact your Rep/Senators — ask them to support ovarian cancer early detection and awareness funding

Post about symptoms — alert your networks: bloating, pelvic pain, post-sex pain, feeling full fast — don’t ignore any of it

Encourage professional education — share resources like ACOG’s eModule with friends in healthcare

🌟 Final Thoughts

My friend didn’t choose this battle. But she’s facing it with courage — and using her voice to help others. Let’s honor her by turning this silent struggle into a visible cause. Listen, act, and speak up now.

🗣️ Next Steps

"Wake up and get out," said the voice.

Of all the years I’ve done stupid shit, that one caught me off guard. I was surprised — but deep down, it still felt like another new low. “Give me a few minutes to get my shit,” I told him. What hurt the most, looking back, is that this guy and I were on good terms. That couldn’t have been easy for him to do.

I grabbed my guitar and three bags filled with whatever was left of my life.

I don’t remember leaving the hotel I was staying at. What I do remember is standing at the top of the brick staircase, losing my balance, and putting my hand out to catch myself. Instead, I broke my left wrist in three places.

My head hit the pavement. I blacked out. Then I came to.

There was a guy standing over me — thick accent, real presence. “You okay? I saw everything.” I rolled to my back. “Can you call for help?” I asked. “I did,” he said, “but they ain't coming.”

He stuck around anyway. We talked about a bunch of things I don’t even remember. He offered me a Vicodin. I gave him ten bucks and said, “Yeah, man. Thanks.” That’s where I was at.

Eventually, the ambulance showed up. I was wiggling to help them move me to the stretcher when one of the paramedics looked into my eyes and froze. “Don’t move,” he said. “Your pupils aren’t matching. Looks like you’ve got a concussion.”

Next thing I know, they’re in the ambulance telling me they need to cut my clothes off. I begged them not to — my favorite t-shirt, a thin hoodie that my close friends got me for Christmas. “We don’t have a choice,” one of them said. “We don’t know what else is wrong with you.”

They cut them off.

I woke up in Highland Hospital — Oakland’s battlefield ER. It's the kind of place that police and firefighters specify in their contracts: “If I get shot, take me to Highland.” These doctors know trauma. They’ve seen more bullet wounds than textbooks.

While I was there, a nurse came in to stick a needle in my hand. I begged her not to. I hate needles — especially in the top of my hand. She told me there was no other way. It brought back memories of childhood surgeries, of begging doctors not to poke me there.

They gave me fentanyl.

I didn’t enjoy it, but it was bizarre. Not what I expected. Just… strange.

Then Barbara came in.

“Hi, I’m Barbara, and I’m here to reset your arm.”

At that point, she could’ve shoved a gorilla up my ass and I wouldn’t have cared. I was so high. They hoisted my broken arm onto some contraption above my bed. “Okay,” Barbara and her assistant said, “here we go.”

They moved it three or four times. I screamed. Even on fentanyl, I was losing it. The pain was inhuman. When it was done, I felt a little better — physically.

The doctor came in. “You smashed your wrist in three places,” he said.

I wasn’t even thinking about guitar.

All I could think was: Where the fuck am I going to live now?

They didn’t operate. They stitched me up and sent me to a place in Oakland that used to be a hotel. Now it was low-income housing for people with medical conditions.

I stayed there three weeks. Then I went to rehab……………again.

The dim room swam into focus, a stark canvas of concrete floors and sterile white walls. Then, the jarring reality: a man just feet away, convulsing, his body slamming against the unforgiving glass. The scene unfolded like a nightmare, a chaotic dance of desperation and fear. I screamed for help, and a flurry of figures rushed in, their voices a frantic chorus against the backdrop of a life in peril.
As paramedics arrived, a chilling realization washed over me. I was back. Back in the cold, unforgiving grip of detox. Cherry Hill. The name echoed in my mind, a stark reminder of my own shattered control.
The fragments of memory surfaced: the blur of a late-night drive, the terror etched on my friend's face as headlights sliced through the darkness. Then, nothing. A blank space where check-in and phone calls should have been. Just an empty void, a testament to the devastating power of addiction.
"He would have died if you hadn't called," a fellow patient's voice cut through the haze. I simply stared, the weight of my own situation pressing down. This was my second descent into this stark, clinical hell.
The room, a grim testament to human vulnerability, held eight threadbare beds. The concrete walls, the stainless-steel toilet—a grotesque blend of functionality and despair—all spoke to the harsh reality of withdrawal. The entire facility was a place that could be cleaned with a pressure washer. I walked to the lobby and saw more of the same.
Stripped of my phone, devoid of books, I was left with only the echoes of my own despair and the faces of fellow sufferers. Seeking a human connection, I attempted conversation in the smoking area, but the weight of shared trauma hung heavy in the air.
Twenty-four hours. That's all the reprieve I was granted. Still shaking, still battling the acute throes of alcohol withdrawal, I was told to leave. The fear was real: the risk of stroke, a constant, looming threat.
The Urgent Reality of Alcohol Withdrawal
For those battling chronic alcohol dependence, a week is often the minimum time needed to reach a semblance of safety. This experience was a brutal reminder of the potentially fatal consequences of sudden alcohol cessation.

 * Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms: Understand the severity of alcohol withdrawal symptoms, including seizures, tremors, and the risk of stroke.

 * Detox Centers: Information about detox centers, and what to expect.

 * Seeking Professional Help: The crucial importance of seeking medical advice before quitting alcohol, even if you believe you drink moderately.

 * Alcohol Addiction: A raw look at the realities of alcohol addiction and the struggle for recovery.

 * Mental Health: The connection between addiction and mental health, including depression.

 * Recovery Journey: The start of a recovery journey, and the importance of support.

If you or someone you know is struggling with alcohol addiction, please seek professional help immediately. Don't let fear or shame prevent you from taking the first step towards recovery. Your life is worth fighting for.